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A Christmas Rocky by TWW, December 16th, 2000
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It was the 24th of December, 3 o'clock in the afternoon and Dr. Ebenezer Furter sat in his cold dark lab, counting his brains.
Being a bit miserly, he only had the one brain and was currently considering how he could split it between two. Hunched over a small wheel was his servant Riff Raff, with just the heat from a candelabra containing a meagre thirteen candles to keep him warm. Riff looked like he wanted to ask something, but kept avoiding his masters gaze.
Finally he could stand it no more.....Master, I know my sister and I tend to ask for nothing, but....., his words were cut short with a cold stare from the Doctor. He finally plucked up the courage to finish his request.......as tomorrow is Christmas, Magenta and I wondered if we could have it off.......er.....the day that is.
Baaa, Humbug? said Ebenezer Furter as he offered Riff Raff a sweet. Baa Humbugs were the result of an earlier experiment when the Doctor had succeeded in crossing a sheep with a small musical sugar confection, although delicious they did tend to leave a woolly coating on your tongue, a result the Doctor rather enjoyed himself.
A day off, you ask for a day off for Christmas?; said the Doctor, as he grabbed his handy whip from his shoulder holster. How did this happen? How did it become Christmas day? I thought you were supposed to be watching for hymns!
I was only away for a mince pie, master, pleaded Riff as the whip cracked through the air, besides, Magenta and I had invited visitors
Doctor Ebenezer Furter decided it was best to get some rest, there was still a part of his planned experiment that troubled him.....how to do it, to be exact. Stretched out on his Queen sized bed he pondered life's deep questions.......Why was there only one monopolies commision?.....is a male tea-bag a hebrew?.......and who actually told Tim McInnerny he could sing?
A sudden noise make him sit upright in his bed. Who's there? he asked.
I would like.........if I may.......Ebenezer Furter.......to take you.........on a strange journey, the voice in the darkness was deep and clear. Show yourself!; said Dr Furter, always hopeful.
Ebenezer Furter, I come to warn you. The voice now had a body, a head, but no neck. Beware the path you are choosing, it continued, I choose in life to have no friends, to have only my books to keep me company. There are those that say 'you reap what you sow', now in death I have a massive book weighing me down. It is a book so heavy Ebenezer that my neck has disappeared completely! What do you want of me? asked the Doctor, feeling a little apprehensive and uneasy.
You will be visited by three spirits, said the voice, expect the first when the big hand is on the number two. And with that the voice disappeared up it's own narration.
Do your worst, interior one, said Ebenezer Furter, but the voice was gone. Perhaps I ate someone that disagreed with me, thought the Doctor as he tried to get back to his plans. He had just solved the riddle of why there was always an extra stocking in his drawer when he heard the clock in the hall strike twice.
Ebenezer Furter, bless my soul. Ebenezer jumped, a ghostly motorcycle crashed through his bedroom door, astride it was an apparition in motorcycle leathers. Ebenezer Furter, you're gonna like this Rock 'n' Roll, the biker looked down at the cowering Doctor, I am Eddie, the ghost of Christmas past. Let's ride. Oh, let's!; said the Doctor. I meant on the motorbike, said Eddie. He grabbed the Doctor by hand and swung him up onto the huge motorcycle, with a whoosh they sped off through the open window into the night sky.
A figure in the distance was bent over a small red tank, in it a small child was connected to multi-coloured tubes. The figure was wearing a full length ball gown, red fishnet stockings and eleven inch heels. Daddy, said Ebenezer.
Yes, Doctor Furter, that is your father and lying in the tank you are about to make the first choice on your life's road, said the Eddie. The tall figure had now turned away from the child and was leaning over a control panel, unaware that in the tank the three year old Ebenezer Furter was pressing a button on a remote control. Slam, forty three metric tonnes of medusa machine squashed Furter senior into a one millimetre, three kilometre wide pavement pizza. It was an accident, the way it happened, pleaded the older Ebenezer. But Eddie just smiled, expect the next ghost when the clock strikes three!, he said. Ebenezer was back in his bed, alone. Damn, I'm alone in a bed, he thought.
Bong, Bong, Bong, but it was no good, it was nearly three o'clock and nothing would take Ebenezers's mind off what was about to happen. The clock struck three and there was a tap, tap, tap at the window, followed but a tap, tap, tap at the door. The door swung open and in tapped a sequined, miniskirted groupie. Hi, I'm the ghost of Christmas present, she said, shall we go. Before Ebenezer could answer she tapped he ruby tap slipper together three times and they were off.
Where are we now? asked Ebenezer Furter, What is this strange place?
It's the kitchen in your castle, answered the ghost, And this is the way that your poor non-paid servants live
The kitchen was dark, save for the flickering flames coming from the open wood stove in one corner of the room. Ebenezer could just make out the shape of a man and woman next to a small table.
Hunched over the table, Riff Raff carved a lump off a joint of meat and slaps it onto a plate. Leg or Breast?, he asks his sister Magenta.
Duh! Leg of course, she replies, Who ever heard of a biker with breasts?
I didn't realize, said Ebenezer.
Yes, Ebenezer, the squalor in which your servants live is unacceptable, said the ghost.
No, I meant I didn't know we had a kitchen, I always wondered where all the food came from.
Be silent!, said the ghost, I'm trying to save you, do you hear me? I'm trying to save you, but all I get is a big fat nothing. Well I've had it, I'm outta here and with that she was gone and Ebenezer Furter was alone once more in his bed. Damn, he said.
Right I've had enough of this, the Doctor said as he marched down the stairs to the clock in the hall. Throwing open the door he raised the axe he held in his hand to smash the clock. If it can't strike four, I'm safe!, he reasoned.
I wouldn't do that if I were you, said the Skeleton. I am the ghost of Christmas future, and I am your last chance Ebenezer Furter. Now where the hell are we?, said the Doctor. He didn't recognise his location at all. He looked at the sign outside the building. Denton Epis..Episco....er Church, he said. A coffin was being carried in by a hunched figure.
Yes Doctor Ebenezer Furter, the Skeleton said, This could be your fate too, if you do not change. A young couple entered the church, singing of their love for one another. Ebenezer Furter looked at each of them in turn. Nice, he thought a smile widening across his face.
Pay attention, Ebenezer, said the Skeleton, This could also happen...... They were in the lab, I know this place, said Ebenezer, I've had some of my best work here.
Behold, said the Skeleton, pulling back the red cloth to reveal a muscle bound creation, clad only in a pair of gold shorts and shoes.
And your point is? asked Ebenezer, who could see nothing at all wrong with this future.
But don't you see, you made a mistake splitting his brain between the two of them, said the Skeleton, It was the start of your downfall.
Right, one brain each, said Ebenezer trying to take notes on a piece of blood stained paper he found on the floor, Damn, he thought there's no room left on this paper with all this 'outta my head' stuff, I'll just have to remember
No, the point is you must start to be a nicer Doctor, said the Skeleton, Otherwise you are doomed. Ebenezer I am your last warning And with that he was gone, Doctor Ebenezer Furter was alone once again in his bed. Damn, he said That one was a bit bony, but I'm getting desperate here! Now what was that brain thing again?
Being alone together in their dark kitchen suited Riff Raff and his sister Magenta, of course they wouldn't admit it to the Doctor, but down in the depths of the castle they had privacy. Privacy to plot, privacy to plan, privacy to snog. The sound of the bell startled them both, it had been a long time since the Doctor had needed either of them at five in the morning.
Yes, master, they said as they entered his chambers.
Well, look, you see, what I mean to say is....., Ebenezer was having trouble finding the words.
Here, just take these, he said as he threw the gifts at the servants, and consider yourselves lucky.
I am lucky, said Magenta opening her gift of a can of hair spray and twenty metres of gold fabric.
He's lucky, said Magenta as she saw that Riff Raff also had a gift, a small package, shaped like the top part of a pitch fork.
We're all lucky, said Magenta as she smiled sweetly at Riff Raff.
Yes, said Ebenezer Furter, I just wish I could remember what the brain thing was.
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