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Red Dwarf/Rocky Horror Cross-Over by Bill Brennan, May 2001
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Part Five, uploaded 1st July, 2001
The Red Dwarf sped away from the small planet, leaving the bodies of Magenta, Janet Weiss, and Betty Hapschatt ... and the residents of the Red Dwarf all went about trying to make themselves comfortable.
Holly, the ships Criminologist, used the free time to do a number of things. First, he tried once again to access any one of the hundreds of hologram files stored in his now-corrupt memory banks. Brad J. Rimmer Majors was NOT the best choice to keep Eddie sane. He was, however, the only hologram memory that he could recall. All the others, from Captain Hollister to third Technician David Freeman were lost somewhere in his computer-senile memory banks. He hoped Eddie wouldn't mind. Second, he went about playing with his image. Holly often toyed with his face, but always decided that the way he was looked best: silver-gray hair, deep lines in his face (and as Eddie Lister has noted, one of the lines resembled an "ass on his chin" and another a "chicken foot print" on his forehead). But Holly liked the way he looked, and when you had an IQ of over 5000, whatever you thought was probably correct ... even if you were a bit senile.
The Cat did what he always did: made sure he looked good. His black cape was always flowing, his fishnets secured to his garter belt in just the right way, his corset laced. He often played with the buttons on his leather jacket, and he changed outfits constantly: one hour it was the corset-and-heels combo that he was wearing now; the next hour it was the leather jacket and open-toe boots; the hour after that it was the red corset with the make up that always dripped into his eyes...
Brad went about his own business, which consisted mostly of annoying Eddie. He wouldn't let him leave his filthy biker magazines all over the place, patrolled the bathrooms vigilantly to make sure he didn't "shoot up any dope like some low-down cheap little punk", and often reminded him that smoking was against regulations.
"You see that sign, m'laddo?" Brad would say, and he would point to the K.I.T. sign that hung on the wall. "You know what that means?"
"Um...Ken is a Transvestite?" Eddie would reply as he slobbed about the place.
"No. It means Keep It Tidy. That means no smoking, no drinking..."
"And no fun," Eddie finished.
Brad smiled. The slob was finally getting the idea. Exactly."
Kryton made himself familiar with the ship. His thumb twitched as he walked about the place, mop bucket in one hand, bloody rag in the other. He was making a list of things he would need to do, which included serving dinner, dusting, cleaning up the wine that was always spilled by the Cat, and ignoring Mr. Rimmer, who had taken to calling him "riffraff."
The one joy in Kryton's life was watching "Androids". Androids was a robotic soap opera centering on a theatrical group of robots. Each episode followed the group as they acted out a film, live, in a movie theater. One week the evil cast director would banish one member or another, the next week there was intrigue as one cast member lied about and back-stabbed the other, the week after that there would be a romantic entanglement ... it was the closest to being a real live person as he ever got. "Sigh", Kryton sighed. "Don't dream it, be it, I suppose ..." he would think to himself as he went about his work.
Eddie tried his best to not go crazy. Rimmer, the Cat, Holly, and Kryton were company, but ... he missed home. He missed Columbia. And almost every night he found himself down in the bar, drinking, with only the skutters for company. Even now he was falling asleep at his favorite table in the disco ... and he dreamed. In his dream he was still on the Red Dwarf, just before it left. He was met at the main port by Kryton, who was human for some reason ... he was still a thin, pasty-faced git with a bald pate and greasy blond hair, but he looked more like the chap that used to host the old game show "Crystal Maze" than a robot. 'Welcome, Mr. Lister Sir," said Kryton. "You've arrived on a rather special night. It's one of the Masters affairs."
"Lucky him," said Lister, and he walked inside ... and smiled when he found that at his side was Columbia! He smiled in his sleep, smiled at her cherry-red hair, baby-pink lipstick, and her pin-ball smile.
"You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky, ah-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!" said a voice. Eddie turned, and was amazed to see Captain Magenta, the woman who ran the now-crashed ship Patricia Quinn! She was dressed in a maid's outfit, and went into a bit of a dance. Suddenly the inside of the shop was decorated very strangely: cobwebs covered all sorts of bric-a-brac, there was a grandfather clock (with a skeleton in it!), and a large stuffed animal, some kind of Earth cat, fighting what looked like a huge snake. Eddie and Columbia grasped hands as they were rushed inside the ships main reception area, and that's where he saw the entire crew of the Red Dwarf, all in party hats and having a wonderful time, singing "Leeeeets do the Time Warp agaaaaiinnnn". Eddie smiled, and said, It sure is nice not to be..."
And suddenly he woke up, still in the disco. It was quiet, as only a place that usually has too many people but now doesn't can be."Alone." he said, finishing his dream sentence.
end of part Five............
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