TimeWarp - Rocky Horrorscopes


Page updated Tuesday, May 12th, 2009

Rocky Horrorscopes Mystic Magenta - Well secluded, she sees ~~sod~~ all

GEMINI (May 21 - June 21)
Love is in the air. Messy. Anyway there is nothing but luck this week for those of you with lots of luck this week. The rest of you may, or may not, be as lucky as that. Who says Horrorscopes are vague.......let's think it was......oooh look......a butterfly. Your lucky fish is a Haddock.

CANCER (June 22 - July 22)
No.......Don't......Stop. If you hear those words then stop now.
However if you hear......No, Don't Stop.......then carry on.
Your lucky Carry On film is Carry on Matron.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Leo, the lion. Grrrr! You are what you are, you are your own special creation. If you find yourself humming the scenery, then go and see a better musical. Your lucky badge says.....Smile, it could be worse!

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Virgo, the Virgin. This is a very, very, very, very, very old Horrorscope. A doctor may play a part in your life this month. If he whisks you off, good for you, although personally kitchen implements have never been my thing. You lucky spaceship is The Tardis.

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Ah, Libra, or was it Ah, Bisto. Either way spend some time in the kitchen this month. One sugar for me please, no tea, just one sugar. A dark strangler may call, run like hell if one does. If it turns out to be a dark stranger then let us know how you get on. Your licky ice cream flavour is strawberry.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
OMG U R N2 TXT BG TM. Y NT GT A LF OR SK A FUSLW. IF U CN RD THS U ND 2 GT OT MR. UR LUK E CR IS A BMR.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Listen, can you hear that, thought so. Easily influenced by the force are the Sagittari. When this old you look so good think not. Your lucky stormtrooper is the one that says move along, move along.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Capricorns really get my goat, which is a pity because I loved that goat, no not in that way you sick person! As I told the judge, love is blind, and sometimes bleats a little. Your lucky farmer is Old McDonalds.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Life, it's what you make it. Sometimes though there is a bit missing from the kit when you buy it. Don't you just hate it when that happens, you have to go all the way back and then they don't have the bit you need in for at least three weeks. In the meantime everything just wobbles all over the place. Your lucky store is ~~MFI~~, er sorry no it's ~~Land of Leather~~, er no ~~Woolworths~~, sod it Ikea.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Fish like water, whisky does not. Follow this simple rule and you'll be so drunk that they'll have to pump your stomach. Better still enjoy the simple things in life, such as Britney Spears or better still Spear Britney. Your luck singer is a Model 300 double stitch.

ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Some say life is an illusion, others that I can't spel. Either way there should be change for you this month. To make sure this happens, use a five pound note to pay for somthing costing three pounds and sixty one pence. You lucky colour is vermillion.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
It may seem that the world is against you at times. After all, everyone says you are paranoid. Wait, what was that sound.....over there behind the picture on that wall. Your lucky movie is Conspiracy Theory.